Special report by
Vernon "Red" Parker
Jan. 8, 2010
It's Elvis Presley's 75th birthday today. What did you get him?
I've been to Graceland once and I only had to spend a few minutes in the shag-carpeted walls and mirrored-ceilings of His house to understand the Truth. To not only see, but to feel the light. To understand that everything is Elvis. Ergo, I am Elvis. Ergo, I am everything. We all are. We are all Elvis and he lives in each of us.
'Lives', as you know, is an anagram for Elvis.
I came to know in that moment of clarity that no matter what happens to us in this life, on this mortal plane, we will all--each of us--always be Elvis.
Can I get a "Hey, man!"
When I realized this--when I became conscious of his love (I think it was during the tour in that hallway of gold records that stretches on into infinity, like life itself)--Well, I felt such a weight lift from my shoulders I cried.
I also had a craving for peanut butter and percodan sandwiches like you wouldn't believe.
It was such a special moment that I took out my Polaroid camera and snapped a picture of some 14 year old's panties.
Can I get a "Hey, Man!"
Can I get a lawyer?
The truth is once you've been in the kingdom and seen The King, everything else is just Takin' Care of Business. Waiting to die.
Speaking of which, did you know Elvis had a twin brother that was stillborn?
Little Jesse Garon. At least the legend says he was stillborn. But I got to talkin' to some ol' boys in Tupelo and they said most folks around them parts believe Elvis actually trampled his unborn twin in a rush to be born.
"Excuse me, excuse me. I'm the King. Comin' through...outta my way...
Here I come, mama...Elvis has left the uterus! Thankyouthankyouverymuch...
Oh my God, Little Jessie...What have I done...."
Now I'm not really making fun of a stillborn baby, but...well, why not? It's not like he can kick my ass or anything. Even if he is Elvis's brother. And you shouldn't feel sorry for little Jesse Garon. He got better, grew up, changed his name to Gallagher and went on to even greater obscurity.
The King is Probably Dead, Long live The King (and his stillborn twin).
It's also Elvis's illegitimate daughter, Red Bluff Daily News columnist, and warrior princess Avery Vilche's birthday. If you want to get your ass kicked by the hottest fitness guru in the northstate just write her and say something mean about Elvis's mama...
Avery's e-mailAbout The Author: Vernon "Red" Parker (pictured above) is a part-time writer and full time Elvis impersonator. He is the author of "Elvis Christ Superstar" and "The Unauthorized Stalking of Priscilla Presly". He has four books and two restraining orders.
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