....Original Northstate Comedy Since 1978....
I Can See Sarah Palin From My House
by Liz Merry


Sarah Palin is coming to visit. Not me personally, but anyone who wants to pay to see her at The Redding Convention Center on February 8th. She's doing two shows because the first one sold out faster than muktuk through a Yupic. $74 and $54 for tickets to the matinee. The Convention Center's rating system for the speech really says it all. Violence: None. Language: None. Nudity: None. Really? No language? Will she perform pantomime? Perhaps they are referring to her apparent inability to pronounce the 'g' in any gerund that slips from her lips. And she's not going to get naked? For $74 a ticket I'd not only flash some Alaskan beaver - I'd work the North Pole! Double my money in tips.


She will address the Sierra-Cascade Logging Conference (deep fried spotted owl wings available at the concessions stand). I am torn over whether to stand outside and engage her disciples in conversation or go deep cover and attempt to infiltrate the Tea Bagging Sign Holders. I have a few signs that I would like to get onto the news.


"I'M WITH STUPID"
"WE DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT"
"THANK YOU FOR QUITTING"


What is the attraction with Palin aside from the hot librarian who doesn't read thing? What were John McCain's people thinking? "She's a total MILF! Sign her up!" Apparently MILF stands for Moron I'd Like to Fuck-Up-My-Campaign.


Didn't they notice she's dumber than a rock? No offense to my rock friends. I guess it didn't matter because that unedjumacated thing worked so well for George Bush. "God bless her, Vern, she's just like us! Bet she's got a great recipe for possum soup." Or wolf-k-bob.


So where are all the great female candidates?


Please don't give me the Hillary Clinton line. She was already pre-hated and would have been marginalized at least as much as Obama by the do-nothing Congress. I much prefer to have her starting World War III with China, don't you? Thank goddess she has Chelsea's wedding to plan - we may just escape global annihilation yet. (I hereby promise to be her husband's cigar holder for week if he can keep her off any future national ticket.)


While you're still trying to come up with the name of a terrific female pol, take another look at Martha Coakley, the recently defeated Democratic candidate for Ted Kennedy's Senate seat. This woman was handed the election on a silver platter and blew it like a bad porno fluffer. Massachusetts had not sent a Republican to the Senate since 1972. You can blame their Democratic Legislature and its constant rule changing if you want, but Coakley made the unforgivable mistake of calling Curt Schilling a Yankee fan and I for one am somewhat surprised she was not given a curb job on Lansdowne St.


How about the Speaker of the House, Joker-faced Nancy Pelosi? Is there a faker person on the planet? I was as proud as any woman when she accepted the gavel as Speaker, her grandchildren swarming all over the dais. Now her voice is like nails on a blackboard to me and her shiny faux-skin is pulled so thin I can see the worms writhing beneath it. She's ready to pass anything called a health care bill just to get it done, even though she has already traded away almost every part that makes it true reform. Bill O'Reilly is calling for the CIA to kidnap and waterboard her, and while I don't condone that, I understand.


I like Kathleen Sebelius, in a vanilla ice cream on milquetoast no sprinkles sort of way. As a former governor of Kansas, you'd expect her to be a knuckle-dragging mouth-breathing creationist, but she pretty much toes the Demo Party line all the way to Hell, because the Vatican has forbidden her from taking Communion in light of her pro-choice record. No more Jesus Toes for Kathleen! As the current Secretary of Health and Human Services, her goose is cooked. The footage of Janet Napolitano and Sebelius wiping boogers on their sleeves in their H1N1 prevention demo will haunt her in the future, mark my words.


Then there's Christie Todd Whitman. Elected the first female governor of NJ, she is a moderate pro-choice Republican, whatever that is - oh right, a Democrat. She implemented tax reform in the Garden State and was loved by that traditional Democratic stronghold. Then Dubya appointed her to the Environmental Protection Agency, which was arguably the funniest thing he did during his administration. And I say arguably because you can easily name ten other things. Dancing in Africa. Choking on a pretzel. Waving to Stevie Wonder. Doing an endo on his mountain bike - twice. Giving the German Chancellor a backrub. Wearing some sort of electronic device on his back during the 2004 presidential debate. Allowing his vice president to choose himself. Falling off a Segway. Being attacked by shoes. And, of course, looking for WMD in Iraq. But appointing an EPA Director from NEW JERSEY? That's really a good one! Bush proceeded to screw her at every turn because she was just a little too green and un-Christian for him. We'll keep an eye on her, she could make a comeback if Howard Stern endorses her again.


The other female Republican politicians have been beyond awful. Liddy Dole? Kay Bailey Hutchison? Mary Bono? Olympia Dukakis? Oh wait...that's Michael Dukakis and Olympia Snowe. Whatever. Same difference. The Republican galpols have real balls though. They are out on the road campaigning, ignoring their families, all the while encouraging women to stay at home and take care of their families.


Take Michelle Bachmann - please! Who, you ask? She's the Minnesota Congresswoman and Runaway Bride impersonator who has, to say the least, a colorful way of speaking. She has accused Americorps of slavery and encourages Minnesotans to pick up their guns and fight back against "Obama's Energy Tax". Of Democratic health care proposals she
proclaimed, "This cannot pass. What we have to do here today is make a covenant, to slit our wrists, be blood brothers on this thing." And with that she whipped out a cleaver and started whacking away. Why should she care? She has the excellent coverage all members of Congress enjoy. Her biggest legislative contribution to date has been to ensure Americans have choice when it comes to lightbulbs.


Another name being bandied about by the GOP is Marsha Blackburn, Congresswoman from TN. She is a member of The Family, (the fundamentalist Christian prayer group, not the Manson or Soprano ones.) Her love for unborn children apparently dissipates once they become extrauteral, a common conservative family value. On July 22, 2009, she exclaimed on the House Floor, "...we're not going to cry emergency every time we have a Katrina, every time we have a Tsunami..." And speaking of being under water, her house in Brentwood has been foreclosed on. Emergency!


Is the the lack of great or even good female candidates today because women have become equal enough to men that when they become politicians they instantly turn into assholes and liars? Is it the power? The money? I know it's not the clothes (says the woman who has t-shirts older than Levi Johnston which are still in rotation.) I'll be interested to see what Sarah Palin wears to her big gig in Redding. Maybe she can borrow something nice from Tina Fey, who looks more like her anyway. Either way, you can bet hubby Todd will be changing Trip's (Track's? Gollum's? Whatever-the-heck-that-kid's-name-is) diapers while his "stay-at-home" wife is giving retired loggers a little wood to saw. Just like the old days.


If it wasn't for my limited notoriety as a foul-mouthed comedian and child hater, I'd run for office. Just so I could quit and finally get a book published.


Posted 2/1/10


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