Jan. 7, 2010
Chico, CA
In keeping with their progressive tradition of passing historic municipal legislation that has banned nuclear weapons, outdoor cigarette smoke, medical marijuana dispensaries, Halloween, skate boarding, bigger Wal-Marts, and wood burning stoves, the Chico City Council has outlawed farting within the city limits.
City Councilman Tom Nick-hole says the ban is long overdue.
"The explosion in population and the poor eating habits of poor people have combined to increase methane emissions to intolerable levels. Something has to be done before Chico becomes another Esfarto or Bakersfart."
Obviously not everyone is happy with the ban.
"I've been farting in downtown Chico since 1919," said 99-year old resident David Flacy, "Everyone does it. Haven't you ever been to a frat party or a Spark & Cinder dance?"
He then farted in his pants. We hope.
Hyman Rodriguez, owner of Oy Vey, Jose!, a kosher Mexican restaurant on 2nd Street, says the ban will hurt his business.
"How are people supposed to enjoy a good meal and a walk around downtown Chico on a summer night if they have to worry about the fart police sniffing them out? And am I responsible for what people do after they leave my restaurant?"
Internet gadfly Juanita Sumner echoes Rodriguez's concerns about how the ban would be enforced.
"Is Scott Gruendel going to be sniffing everyone's ass personally to see who dealt it?," typed Sumner in her blog 'Chico: He Who Smelt It', "or is Andy Holcombe going to sit at the One-mile waiting to see who blows bubbles?"
"And who's going to pay for this?," asked lone dissenting councilman Larry Wahl.
"Are we going to have to levy a brocchili tax now?"
"People are just going to have to get used to this," summed up self-righteous environmental activist Pepe LePue, who only moved to town from France a few months ago.
"Now that I'm here, we're going to have to do things a little different."
He then excused himself to fart in a jar that he claims will power his Vespa someday.
CommentReturn To ArchivesReturn To Merry Standish Standard Main Page
