....Original Northstate Comedy Since 1978....
Kelli Saam Caught with Hand In Jerry Olenyn
Newscaster no dummy, but her husband is

January 1, 2010
Chico, CA.

For years northstate viewers have been watching the husband-wife anchor team of Jerry Olenyn and Kelli Saam deliver the evening news on Channel 24. Or so they thought.

A recent confidential corporate memo that was made up and sent to us by internet gadfly Juanita Sumner reveals that Ms. Saam is actually a skilled ventriloquist and her husband Jerry "Mahoney" Olenyn is nothing but a big dummy.

"I thought there was something fishy about this guy," wrote Sumner in a slanderous post under another name in one of those blogs no-one reads, "When he first came to town he couldn't get a job as a sports writer at The Chico Beat and wound up as anchor of the local TV news. How the hell does that happen?"

The Chico Beat is no longer being published and never had a sports section.
Former Beat editor and currently beaten writer Tom Gascoyne verified Sumner's story.
"Yes, Jerry Olenyn did apply for a job with us. I thought it was weird that he sat in his wife's lap during the interview, but she never complained."

Apparently Ms. Saam was able to fool the management at KNVN by drinking water while pretending to make her husband talk. She has not released an official statement (although her lips were moving a little), but her friend and daytime news anchor Linda Watkins-Bigmouth had plenty to say.

"The sad part is no-one knows how hard Kelli works. Not only writing her own news, but coming up with stupid jokes and fake e-mails for Jerry to read. Plus she has to haul that huge suitcase everywhere she goes."

Speculation as to why Saam felt the need to hide behind an outdated vaudeville concept is widespread, but Watkins-Bigmouth thinks the answer is simple.

"Kelli came into this business when it was a man's game. She thought the best way to get ahead was to stand behind one. When she saw that mannequin at a yard sale in Cupertino, she knew it was her ticket to co-stardom. I don't blame her one bit. If I could find a man big enough to stand behind I'd do it."

The corpoarte overlords at Evans Broadcasting, which owns and homogenizes Channel 24, released a brief statement which read: "We still believe in Jerry Olenyn and feel he is the perfect face and fake voice for KNVN Acting News."

Most media experts agree that even if Saam is fired, Olenyn will remain as the anchor of KNVN.


Return To Archives

Return To Merry Standish Standard Main Page