....Original Northstate Comedy Since 1978....
Prop 19-High Drama
by Aaron Standish


Is there anyone left in California who does NOT have a medical marijuana permit? Man, there’s a lot of sick people in this state. The good news is you don’t have to steal pot from your kids anymore--you can just go to The Marijuana Store. At least you could for a little while.

The backlash started before the munchies kicked in. Anderson was the first northstate community to completely ban collectives and dispensaries, underscoring the protectionist power of the meth lobby. Red Bluff followed Anderson’s example, which had to be embarrassing. For a short while on a corner in Red Bluff there was a grow shop across the street from a dispensary right next to the sheriff’s office, where they wear green. Red Bluff's own Emerald Triangle. Until the city council lost their tiny balls and made the dispensary “agree” to close or go to jail. Too little too late for Sheriff Parker, one of the first lawmen in the state to uphold Prop. 215 by actually working with medical marijuana patients to hammer out local guidelines for growing. He obviously lost the recent election because he’s a big pothead. Never should have got that face painting at Hempfest...

Other small towns like Shasta Lake, Marysville and Gridley have passed similar laws. In Chico the pot shops sprang up like coffee shops until a mass raid closed all but one because they were selling pot like coffee shops. In Redding there’s a grow store across the street from a gun shop. If that doesn’t make your heart beat a little prouder, than you're a goddam communist. The city's moratorium, rather than an outright ban, and the fact they haven't pulled a Chico-style raid means Redding not only gets all the legit business, but they're currently cooler than Cheeko for the first time in a hundred years.

Corning had the best idea--a pot store next to an ice cream parlor. That shop, Tehama Herbal Collective (THC), was the latest to be raided, with the same accusations that they were selling marijuana to people who wanted it. The owner Ken Prather is on trial and running for Corning City Council at the same time. How do you like them olives?

I hear a lot of old hippies complaining that between the Mexican Mafia and the fake cripples they can’t compete in the new marijuana market. To those people, I can only echo the words of my father.
“Get a job, hippie!”
Actually, my dad didn’t say that. His dad said that. My dad was more like “Get outta my stash, man!” He was strict.

By the way, I know the Mexican Mafia is real, but I still picture the Sopranos in velvet suits. Apparently, they have their own forest restoration project going on. They just snuck in and started filling in the clearcut areas with pot. Hey, waitaminnit-- They ARE stealing our jobs!

And now Proposition 19 shows up like a loud, dirty kid fresh from the hills with his first harvest and an old idea that he thinks is brand new. If this bill passes, the floodgates opened by Prop. 215 will be washed away in a rising tide of bongwater. The law is a real step towards full legalization, despite the ridiculous twenty-five square foot growing space limit. Twenty-five square feet? Five feet by five feet? My grandma grows bigger plants than that. Not really. My grandma doesn't grow pot. She is pushing up daisies though. Maybe if she'd have been able to grow pot she'd still be alive.

The other big weakness in the bill is the opening for government regulated gardens to be the only legal ones. The proponents of tightly monitored (and taxed) indoor growing operations are just like cornfed corporate agriculture, framing the debate with them as the good guys whose pot never gets deadly radiation from the evil sun or roots full of (gasp!) dirt from the earth. Licensed and patented clones with trademarked names all safe and tidy under halide grow lights with a steady diet of hydroponic chemmies. Yum. Keeps P.G. & E. happy and the cops don't have to crawl through the bushes to get their cut. The only criminals left will be stupid people putting real seeds in the actual ground. Jah Forbid you might accidentally (or on purpose) grow a male plant and let it spew its unknown pedigree all over some agricorp bitch's green crack. Be on the lookout for Monsanto to start selling genetically engineered pot seeds guaranteed to keep you from growing dreadlocks if you smoke their Frankenweed.

Still, it's a step forward. Just like 215 was. Adding a sheet of ice to that slippery slope. Keeping people out of jail. Ending prohibition.

Opponents argue that making marijuana legal will cause a rise in violence. No. Making marijuana HALFWAY legal causes a rise in violence. If pot was so legal you could trade it for star thistle at the farmer's market there wouldn't be any more home invasions. Of course, there are a always a few scumfuck rip-off shitbags who will kill you for your star thistle if it's out of season. Farming is full of peril.

People have been working for cannabis re-legalization since it was outlawed in 1937. The back door route it has taken through The Compassionate Use Act of 1996 has created a complex political divide. Sick people vs. recreational users. Collectives trying to comply with (and write) local laws vs. individual growers using the traditional black market. Purists vs. capitalists. Cheech vs. Chong.

There are as many marijuana users who will vote against Prop. 19 for financial reasons as there are pot-hating conservatives who will vote 'Yes' because they want the tax money. God bless America and all its glorious high-pocrisies.

Vote Prather!

Posted 10/14/10



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