Jan. 11, 2010
New York, NY
In a confession that surprised no-one, home run record holder Mark McGwire admitted to using performance enhancing steroids while breaking that record in 1998.
What did raise a lot of eyebrows was McGwire's blubbering when describing how hard it was to tell the truth about his Popeye-like changes to his family.
"I hated lying to my kids," he cried, wiping snot from his nose," I told them that all they had to do was eat their spinach and they'd look like me. I hate spinach."
The widow of Roger Maris, the New York Yankee slugger whose record of 61 home runs was eclipsed by McGwire's 70, released an official statement.
"The steroid story is one thing. Heavens, Roger used to drink Ovaltine twice a day. But all that boo-hooing...Who does he think he is, Lou Gerhig?"
The display of unmanliness has prompted rumors of estrogen use by The Big Fake who was recently signed as a hitting coach (as in "Take a hit of this...") for the St. Louis Cardinals.
Quiet sobbing could be heard from Sammy Sousa's locked bathroom.
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