Chico Airport
Jan. 27, 2010
Oprah Winfrey, the world's biggest talk show host, landed briefly at the Chico Airport yesterday afternoon. Rumors swirled around the reason why; from visiting a 'niece' at Cal State Chico to shooting a cock fighting segment of her show in Oroville.
It turns out the real reason she made a surprise stop on her way to appear with Jay Leno in Southern California was simply that Oprah had to take a shit that was bigger than the toilet on her private plane.
Her pilot, Chesley "Fatso" Fatsenburger radioed the Chico Air Control Tower that the small plane was losing altitude and would have to make an emergency evacuation.
"They were looking for the safest place in the area for her to hide her humungous b.m. from the press," said 48-year-old, 5'7", 190 lb. airport worker John Bertoli of 123 Eastwest 1st Street Avenue, in exchange for total anonymity.
"So they wedged her into a horse trailer and took her to Humpty Dumpty's Sandbox for Feral Cats at Caper Acres. Of course, first she had to buy a small child to accompany her. A couple hours later they brought her back and she looked at least twenty pounds lighter."
Oprah often lands in small towns to leave huge piles of steaming Chicago-style reminders of her brief stay in the area. Local environmentalpest Kelly Meagher held a one-man protest at the airport, paying a friend with hands to hold up a sign that read "Buy Me A Beer!"
After being lowered by crane into the sandox, Winfrey reportedly read a book by Chico author Carey Wilson. The book, "Here I Sit All Broken-Hearted", has become a best seller and will be made into a movie featuring Lyle Lovett.
Oprah also paid to replace the four trees that were killed to make enough toilet paper to clean up such a toxic spill. The trees will be planted in the Downtown Plaza, where Ms. Winfrey said the bandshell reminded her of galpal and fisting partner Gayle King's shiny brown ass in fishnet underwear.
Oprah's plane shuddered upon her re-boarding and sputtered into the air, fighting to gain altitude and lumbering off into the sunset. It landed again thirty minutes later in Vacaville so Oprah could poop at the new Nut Tree.
SIX DEGREES OF SEPARATION: Oprah spelled backward is Harpo. Harpo and Chico were Marx Brothers. Oprah and Chico are Marxists. Marxists are often grouchos. Groucho fucked Kevin Bacon's grandma. Mmm. bacon.
COMMENT From "Stop The Ignorance" on the Chico Enterprise-Record Website shortly after this story was posted:
I would think that Oprah and every other person named in that ridiculous piece of "news" should sue the crap out of Merry Standish for libelous and fraudulant claims. It's not funny at all and people that think it is humorous are sick and twisted. IMHO
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