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....Original Northstate Comedy Since 1978....
by Aaron Standish
War in Afghanistan. War In Iraq. War on Terror. War on Drugs. Warren Buffet. I'm war-n out. A lot of people have war fatigue. Especially the people who are fighting.Many of those who supported going into Afghanistan after 9/11 say we blew our momentum on Iraq and now there's no support for "the good war". But going into Iraq was the only way to win in Afghanistan. Here's why--

As we all know, Iraq was originally called Uruk and then Mesopotamia at the time the Akkadians conquered it around 3000 B.C. This was, of course before it became the seat of the Babylonian Empire for 1000 years (Party Town!). Then the Assyrians (with the help of some Chico cops) shut that down in in 1689 B.C. That set the way for invasions by Cyrus the Great, Alexander the Great, Bob the Great, the Grateful Dead, and, of course, the Romans. Everybody's gotta deal with the Romans.

And remember when the Muslim Arabs finally took power in 638 and established Baghdad? That was crazyville. The Mongols and Central Asian warlords attacked the city for something like 800 years before the Black Sheep Turkmen finally took control in 1410. 1410, right? I always get that mixed up with 1534, when the White Sheet Turkmen took over. That black sheet/white sheet sheet was some crazy sheet, man. Which is where you get Shiite from. And then the Sunnis were like "We're not taking shiite from anyone. (Lalalalalalalala)"

So you can understand why those two groups are always fighting. And that would have been the end of it, I'm sure, if the British hadn't invaded in 1915 and installed the Hashemite monarchy (which was not near as cool as it sounds. Actually, it sounds like a crappy Humboldt County band).

Finally, after World War II, there was maybe a week of Iraqui independence followed by several military coups and the dictatorship of Saddam Hussein. Which led George W. Bush to invade Iraq because Osama Bin Laden attacked us from Afghanistan on 9/11.

So until you understand history like George Bush understands history, you shouldn't judge him. Leave that to history.

I say that all smug like I'm Nancy Pelosi or something, but now that both our wars have gone on longer than World War II, isn't it time we just nuked somebody? Maybe just drop another one on Japan. That'd scare the shit out of everybody.

Kim Jong Ill would be shaking. "Him clazy!"

That Ferrengi who's running Iran--Imadedinnerbob-he'd get a shave, legalize gay marriage, and start worshipping Jesus.

Pakistan would say, "Oh, THAT Osama bin Laden---his cave is the third one on the left. Thank you very much."

And Saudi Arabia? They'd probably just raise the price of oil. Can't touch them. They're like a made nation. Why is it that most of the 9-11 hijackers were from Saudi Arabia and we haven't so much as imposed Title 9 on that country? The answer our government gives is that if we invaded Saudi Arabia the country would deteriorate into civil war and that's just not the way we do things....

No, we "surge". Surging means you send in extra troops you should have sent in to begin with. Then you buy off the warlords, call it victory, and leave.

But then won't we have to fight them over here?

Fight who? The guy at the Gas & Booze? I'm not really that intimidated by guys who overcharge me for cigarettes. It's not worth going to war over.

Killing Osama Bin Laden is still a good idea though. Even better if we could catch him first. If Barack Obama could parade Bin Laden through Times Square on a hot dog cart before choking him to death with his bare hands he wouldn't have to worry about the midterms.

But the CIA spooks say "You don't understand. It's not that easy to kill the leader of Al Quaeda inside Pakistan." Okay, granted--I know it's easier for them to kill the leader of the free world inside Dallas, but aren't we paying them to take some chances now and then?

I mean if it's really for the good of the world, I'll do it. I've killed for less. (Only people, and only when I'm hungry.) I've got black hair and a big nose. Give me some explosive Coppertone and sandals, I'm a terrorist. A little schmoozin, a little networking...bing-bang-boom I'm doing comedy in the caves. Then when Bin Laden and all his bodyguards are laughing at my Red Bluff jokes, I'll pull out my gun, point it at his head, pull the trigger, realize too late that the safety's on, get wrestled to the ground, beaten, arrested, beaten, tortured, beaten, and beheaded with a spork for being an infidel spy.

Well, that didn't work out like I was hoping.

Maybe we should just catch him and put him on trial after all. Like Saddam.

I couldn’t help following the execution of Saddam Hussein. It was the first cell phone snuff film I’d ever seen. Very Mussolini meets the 21st century. “Can you hear me now? Muktada! Muktada! Muktada!”

Got my attention. I thought, "Shit they’re hanging Saddam at the Jiffy Lube..."

We caught Saddam Hussein unharmed, checked him for lice, and kept him comfortable while televising his trial so that all the world can see how much better we are than him. Then when he was found guilty, we turned him over to a Shiite-talking lynch mob for death by heckle-hanging. Those guys were hilarious.

“You’re not so funny now! You were just bombing, but now you’re dying! I am posting your picture on my website! I will show you hanging from all kinds of funny things! (Lalalalalalalala)”

Buncha hacks--that’s why they were all dressed like the Unknown Comic.

And those guys managed to make Hussein--who everyone knows comes right after Hitler in the Encyclopedia of Evil--they managed to make Hussein look dignifed and defiant in the face of death. He was standing up straight, telling them to “go to hell” and they didn’t even have a good comeback.

“No, no-you go to hell, you!”

So, he did the Clint Eastwood move. “Alright, I will!”

Then he kicked the hangman in the balls, jumped over the stairs while saying a prayer, snapped his own neck with a smile and pissed all over those hooded hyenas one last time. Not a bad way to go if you don’t have a choice.

Not that I miss Saddam Hussein. We were never close. But why him and not bin Laden?
it's like we left Oswald alive and hung Jack Ruby.

Posted 1/2/10


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