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....Original Northstate Comedy Since 1978....
Gomer Pyle's Family Applauds End of
'Don't Ask, Don't Tell'

March 3, 2012
Mt. Pilot, NC

The family and friends of Viet Nam war hero Gomer Pyle say it is about time the military reversed its policy towards gays serving openly in the armed forces. Private Pyle had a sunny disposition that was emblematic of the lighter side of a war that took over 50,000 American lives. He was also a flaming fruit at a time when such an identification would earn the best soldier a dishonorable discharge. It was the kind of discharge no shot of penicillin was going to clear up. He spent his entire career in the closet, even adopting an artificially deep baritone singing style to fool his comrades-in-arms.

"Gomer was a homer," explained his cousin Goober Pyle, 78, a retired gas station attendant in Mt. Pilot, North Carolina,  "but he was also a great soldier. He killed more gooks than Jeffrey Dahmer."

"He wasn't much for military discipline," said his former sergeant, Crewcut Carter, 80, from a rest home in Fort Dix, "but he always enjoyed a good spanking. I remember once when we were sharing a foxhole. It was dark and gunfire was flying all around us. I don't mind telling you we were scared. Gomer asked if he could put his finger in my belly button to make him feel better. I told him sure, but he stuck his finger in my ass instead. I told him 'Hey, that's not my belly button!' and he said, 'Surprise, surprise, surprise--that's not my finger!'"

That legendary story (and first grade joke) was often cited as proof that gays serving openly would be a distraction. It contributed almost as much as President Bill Clinton's cowardice to the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy being implemented in 1993.

Admiral Michael Mullen, the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, who recently spoke before the Senate Armed Services Committee in favor of ending 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell', once served with Pyle in Da Nang.

"There's no-one you'd rather have with you in the shit than Pyle. I'd like to think Gomer is looking down on us right now and saying 'Shazam!...Where do I re-enlist?'"

Pyle, promoted over the years to lieutenant, was fragged in Grenada in 1983 following rumors of a romantic relationship with movie star Rock Hudson. Hudson died two years later, reportedly of a broken heart.


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