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....Original Northstate Comedy Since 1978....
Health Care Plan: Don't Get Sick
by Aaron Standish

I got really sick this Winter. Of course I had no doubt I was dying of swine flu. What else could it be? I’d had my bird flu shot and my monkey virus shot. I went to a chicken pox party. I shared a needle with a donkey that had West Nile Virus. I made out with a puppy that had Parvo. I listened to Cat Scratch Fever (which made me a little sick).

I even went out and caught herpes so I could hook-up with one in four Americans without having to worry about catching  herpes. But I never got a swine flu shot, so I was sure this was it. And calling it H1N1 didn’t help because that sounds a little too much like HIV. I got pig aids? Man, you get drunk at one 4-H meeting.....

They oughta call it the 4H1-N1 virus. If they want to keep it simple.

Most of the time I was laying in bed, thinking “Wish...I...cough...had...the...strength...cough..to...die...cough”

I could barely breath so medical marijuana was out of the question. 
I know a lot of proponents will say I could just eat the marijuana and that’ll work. Yeah, right. Eat a marijuana brownie, get the munchies. Eat more marijuana brownies, get more munchies. Eat more brownies, get more munchies. Finally you’ve eaten so many brownies and you are so hungry that you starve to death. 

It’s like a verse from “Oh Susanah”:

Rained So Hard the Day I Left
The Weather It Was Dry
Ate Some Pot  And Starved To Death
Susannah, I’m So High...
Oh Susanah...I’m scared....

That’s the kind of thing that happens when you eat marijuana brownies. 
At least that’s the kind of thing you write when you eat marijuana brownies.
Plus your feet grow roots and dig into the earth, linking you to the living breathing Gaia. Your fingers become rays of light shooting out in all directions and mating with the fire from distant stars. You become one with the cosmos, universal love envelops you, and you  see the air breathing while everyone you ever cared for arrives dressed like it’s a Chico summer night and the best damn band you ever heard is playing your favorite song.

If you experience any of these side effects, just go with the flow....

Liz got sick a couple times this winter too. Luckily it was only wine flu.
Which was strange because she got a shot for that--a shot of Hornitos.
I don’t know why it didn’t work. 

And the weird part was that while I was sick, the House of Representatives passed their version of fake health care reform. The next day I was all better. So I am now a firm believer in big government, corporate crafted mandatory insurance masquerading as health care.

And even that was too much communism for the Senate. They threw out the watered down public option and somehow turned the bill into a debate on abortion. That’s always a step forward. 

The only thing left in the bill that resembles reform is that insurance companies won’t be allowed to deny coverage for preexisting conditions. That’s good. I can finally get my explosive bowel syndrome dealt with. And maybe something for my leprosy. And the goddam clap.

You never know when you’re gonna need health care. Which is why we need health care. I injured my back several years ago and that is a pain I wouldn’t wish on my worst ememy. For my worst enemies I wish violent death! Back injuries are just for people who piss me off.

Actually, I try not to make too many back jokes these days. I used to make fun of Christopher Reeve right after his accident: 

(SHALLOW, RASPY BREATH) “If you fall off a horse (RASPY INTAKE) You gotta get right back on.” (SAD EXHALE)

Then one night I jacked a pratfall, ruptured a butt disk, and it was two years of getting up every morning and saying (SHALLOW, RASPY BREATH) “I’ll never make fun of (RASPY INTAKE) crippled super-heroes again.” (SAD EXHALE)

Never say never. I started getting acupuncture, which works great until they take the needles out. Then everything starts pinching up like Dick Cheney’s face again. But it helps for awhile. I love acupuncture. If I could afford it, I would go even if I wasn’t hurting, Just for the rush. Acupuncture and hot tubs. That’s the medical plan I want. I’m tired of sitting on tacks and farting in the bathtub.I want the real thing. 

Universal hot tub coverage. 

“Hello--Medical Center? My hot tub’s broken--can you send someone over to care for it right away?”

If Obama promised universal hot tub coverage he could get away with the rest of his evil socialist agenda.

I used to think I’d be dead by now or at least wanting to die. But now all I want to do is stick around, get old and get some of those good prescription drugs. Isn’t that what health care has come down to--who’s gonna give the old people more drugs? Viagra for the Republicans, Prozac for the Democrats. Any drug you want as long as you got a prescription. Unless your prescription is for pot--then we’d just like to know where your pharmacist lives.

Stay healthy my imaginary audience of millions--wash your hands, eat your vitamins, and don’t blow someone else’s nose.

Posted on 12/22/09

To read Liz Merry's "Unmentionables" column on fake health care reform passing go to
Health Care Bill: What's The Big Biden' Deal?"


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