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....Original Northstate Comedy Since 1978....
Hempfest Wins Permit, Forgets Where They Put It
Total Stoner Move

May 26, 2010
Red Bluff, CA

After winning a hard-fought battle with Tehama County officials to gain a permit for a Memorial Day hemp festival being held in Red Bluff this weekend, organizers were scrambling this morning to remember where they put it.

"I know it's around here somewhere," said Maryjane Stemseed, guiding force behind World Hemp Expo Extravaganja (WHEE) . "We signed it, had a celebratory sacramental smoke, and after that..." Her voice trailed off as she scratched her head and looked under the couch for the third time.

The Standard obtained a copy of the permit and asked Stemseed's partner, Hemphry Bogart, to explain some of the conditions under which the newly revised document was issued.

"Just let me find my glasses," said Bogart, not realizing his glasses were on his head. "Oh well, no big--I've got it totally...um...uh..."

"Memorized?," suggested a nearby volunteer who was building a yurt to sell edible hackysacks.

"Whatever you say, dude," Bogart laughed. "What were we talking about?"

The permit was issued by the city planning director, well known hippie "Curious" George Robson, who made it clear that the seventeen conditions agreed to in the festival permit (including no alcohol, which eliminates most of the problems from the start) would be strictly enforced.

"Wow, we better find that thing then," said Bogart, putting on another pair of glasses to look for the glasses that were still on his head.

"I found it!," shouted Stemseed from the kitchen. "It was in the fridge. I must have left it there when we split that gallon of medicinal soy ice cream."

With the precious document firmly in hand, Stemseed plans to move forward with the three day festival which will include lots of live music, vendors, and stinky strangers camping in her backyard.

Sheriff Clay Parker, who has burned a few tons of pot himself, insists on having deputies on site and said he will follow the rule of law.

"As the great-great grandson of the Lone Ranger, I have no choice- it's what I'm sworn to do. In the interest of public safety, many of my people have volunteered to help with crowd control in case anyone starts a fight during the World Peace Prayer Circle, like at the rodeo. Vote Parker."

Neighboring property owners are less than thrilled with the expected population influx. Hank Fartypants, who lives just to the west of the festival land, has decided to camp out under the Antelope Boulevard bridge for the weekend. "All the hobos will be in my neighborhood," he noted. "It'll be nice to have a river view for a couple days."

Another resident, Nelva Denbo, agrees. "I don't know which I hate worse - the smell of marijuana or patchouli. Guess I'm about to find out."

There are some neighbors who welcome the festival and its attendees. Brandon Davison, who lives nearby, has an entire side business planned around this weekend. "I used to sell hot dogs and beer at the Boat Drags. Now I'm gonna set up a BBQ tofu and wheat grass juice booth right in my front yard. Plus I sell jewelry made out of my ex-wife's jewelry."

Dave Gowan, new executive vice president of the Chamber of Commerce, has "high hopes" for the event.

"When the Nitro National Boat Drag Races stopped coming to town on Memorial Day weekend, they took a huge chunk of change with them. We hope the hemp people leave a whole lot of 'green' in Tehama County. Wild Oak and First Love Tattoos should see a huge spike in business, as should Bud's Jolly Joint and Hal's Eat-Em-Out, among other munchie meccas."

Stemseed is crossing her fingers and toes that everything works out. "People keep saying it could turn into another Woodstock," she chuckled. "But the weather's supposed to be sunny, so I'm hoping for a lot more people than that."

The WHEE Festival will be held this Friday-Sunday (May 28-30) at 22116 Riverside Ave. in Red Bluff.


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