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....Original Northstate Comedy Since 1978....
Orland Mom Sends Her Brats to Russia, Too
Staples Note To Forehead & Puts 'Em On A Bus

April 15, 2010
Orland, CA

Torry Hansen, the now infamous mother from Tennessee who sent her adopted son back to his native country of Russia with a note attached reading "I no longer want to parent this child" has elicited outrage there and mixed reaction here.

While Russian officials are threatening to suspend U.S. adoptions, mothers all over America are seizing this opportunity to thin out their own herds. Staple-gunning the last note onto her youngest of five, Coralee Judkin of Orland stopped momentarily to slap herself on the forehead and exclaim, "I wish I'd thought of this years ago! If I ever meet Torry Hansen I'm gonna buy  her a shot of Jack. She's a genius."

When it was pointed out to Coralee that her children were not adopted and not from Russia, she was unfazed. "So what? What's the big diff? Don't they need a constant supply of dirty, unloved kids there to work in the vodka fields?"

Parents from all fifty states have expressed an interest in sending their children to Russia. "Just a note? That's all I have to do?" asked Bratinny  Clodhopper, of Gary, Indiana. "That's easier than an abortion! Can I still get my welfare check?"

Russia currently has 740,000 children without parental custody and does not need the influx of American spawn into their system. 

"We can barely take care of the ones we have," explained child welfare advocate Yuri Mesiynzykisiinatlivitchskyofski. "If we have to take another 100,000 fetal alcohol syndrome or crack babies from the US, our resources will really be stretched thin. Unless one of the poor little wretches knows how to fix a space station or has a devastating slap shot we simply have no use for them."

Hansen, of Shelbyville, adjacent to Springfield, says the Russian boy was threatening to burn down their home and feared for her safety. "The little bastard was drawing pictures of our house on fire with us in it! Fuck him! He is an asshole!"  

Bedford County Sheriff Randall Boyce is debating whether to file charges against Hansen. "The little red really did not fit in here.  Bit of a Stalinist, what with all the death threats. He claimed he was just a misunderstood Trotskyite, but that's what every Leninist says, right? Commie's a commie in my book."

Russia is trying to broker a deal with the Vatican to take a good portion of the children. President Medvedev explained, "The Church needs boys, we have boys. We're going to make this happen."

In Orland, the Judkin children are excited about their big adventure. Ten year-old Brody, the eldest of the five, is looking forward to their exotic new life. "It's hard to remember the names of all our uncles - because some of them are dads, too. Maybe we'll luck out and end up in a Russian orphanage. I hear they're like Disneyland."

The youngest girl, four year-old Mushmouth, mumbled in agreement, "Mommy says there's a chocolate river and everybody gets their own pony!" Her mother stifled a laugh. "They're so cute when they're that age. Maybe I oughta have another one..."


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