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....Original Northstate Comedy Since 1978....
Holidays Too Depressing To Commit Suicide
Gerber Man Couldn't Care Less About Dying

January 1, 2010
Gerber, CA

"I figured by the new year I would have gotten around to it," said unemployed Gerber resident and divorced disabled estranged father of three Clayton Dillwater from his office in his car, "but what's the point?"

Dillwater was expressing the depression many people have this time of year when the holidays lead them to consider suicide. Many go even further than that and become too depressed to even kill themselves.

"That's another thing," agreed Dillwater, "I'd never been depressed enough to want to commit suicide before, so I never realized how many people do it at the holidays. So even if I did it, who would notice? What's the point?"

Obese, twice divorced, diabetic mother of five half-siblings, Mona Kimona of Dairyville agrees. "The holidays get tougher every year. It's hard enough making sure I get everything I want wrapped and under the tree, but my check almost never goes far enough to get the kids anything. Seeing them watch me open my gifts is almost too much to bear...but I can't bring myself to end it all. Maybe I could drown them instead. You know, like a cry for help."

Depression expert Ima Downer has some excellent suggestions for those peope too bummed out to make the ultimate sacrifice. "The Thanksgiving/Christmas/New Year Holiday Season are sometimes too overwhelming for depressed individuals. They really should consider killing themselves around Halloween instead. Not only is it more appropriate to the holiday, but that way it won't ruin Christmas for their families in the years to come."

Clayton Dillwater says he's already feeling better about the new year and probably won't be thinking of suicide again until all the Christmas credit card bills come in. "Hopefully it'll be nicer out."


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