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....Original Northstate Comedy Since 1978....
Time Going Faster
Life Getting Shorter
Feb.1, 2010
Berkeley, CA

If you've been feeling like time is passing more quickly every year, you're right. Scientists have reported that 2009 was the shortest year on record, with the annual trip around the sun lasting a mere eleven months.

"Astronomers noticed the earth speeding past favorite stopovers it normally pauses to visit," explained Dr. Hyman Nose of the Time Insitute, "Famed I-95 billboard king, South Of The Border, was skipped as was the Corn Palace in South Dakota and Kelly's Tavern in New Jersey."

It has been a year, but it seems like just yesterday that the economy was in tatters, our country was in two wars, and you were better looking.

Believing the acceleration of time may have something to do with global warming or Ryan Seacrest, Dr. Nose warns that "If this trend continues, we’ll soon see Christmas decorations going back up again before Easter."

In a side note, Walmart has issued a statement saying it will start implementing the new Christmas guidelines this year. Spokesman Stretch Pantywaist (Walmart does not allow women to speak for them), said the retail giant will begin their 2010 Christmas season three months earlier than the traditional July 5th. "We're always doing our part to help the economy. Of China."

"If time continues to shorten we will soon have to measure our lives in dog years," sighed Dr. Nose, re-setting his doomsday watch.


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