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....Original Northstate Comedy Since 1978....
    Who Will Fuck the Children?
Pedophile Priests vs. Cougar Teachers

March 6, 2010
Anytown, USA

Most red-blooded, blue pill-popping American men chuckle at the thought of a hot, older teacher seducing teenage boys.

"Where were the teachers like that when I was going to school?," is the popular lament of men who see the recent high profile arrests and prosecutions of female educators for having sex with their male students as just another example of how kids have it better these days.

"Hell, I woulda banged Sister Gloria six ways from Sunday if I knew she wanted it that bad," said Mercy High School class of 1978 graduate Roland Allen in a drunken phone conversation he never had and now denies. "When I was a kid, I had to walk three miles in the snow so I could choke my lonely chicken to the Sears catalog. Nowadays kids are busting a nut on the teacher's glasses during recess. They're more prepared for the real world."

There is one group of men in America who don't share Allen's light-hearted nostalgic yearning for female teachers on the prowl. Catholic priests. Specifically the pedophiles. They see the upswing in female teachers doinking young boys as a backlash against the successful criminal prosecution of priests for molestation and rape over the last decade.

Father Mulcahey of the Boston Diocese said, "It's not in God's plan for young boys to be turning away from the Church and into the arms of secular jezebels. They should be kneeling at the altar, preferably under a robe. We men of the cloth denounce the so-called Letourneau Syndrome and call on the authorities to help these boys find religion again."

Hot teachers dismiss the priestly complaints as simple jealousy.

"Who'd want to fuck one of those wrinkly old homos?" asked eighth grade creative writing teacher Babs Wannemaker. "Young boys should be fully educated at the hands of a trusted, slightly desperate mentor with condoms, not on a street corner or, God forbid, in a church!"

Fellow teacher Tami Brielover agrees. "Most priests are just old queens anyway, swishing around in those awful black gowns. Don't they know jewel-tones are in this year?"

Fifteen year-old junior varsity quarterback Bobby Hardcock has been the object of desire for both sides of this debate. He tried to explain his struggle in that young, stupid, slightly confused way that makes him so damn cute.

"So, I was, like, brought up a Catholic? And I was always told to respect authority? So, like, the priests passed me around like that crappy wine they always drink? And it sucked? But they told me my sacrifice and suffering would bring me closer to God? Then Miss Crabtree showed me her boobs one day, and I was like, DAMN! Pussy rules, priests drool! Anyhow, I stopped going to the rectumry after school, 'cause I liked drinking wine coolers at Miss Crabtree's condo better? So, one day Father Dahmer comes by and starts yelling my name outside her window? She went downstairs screaming about how she needed to protect the children and laid a roundhouse kick upside his head and down he went. It was bad-ass!"

While Bobby insists he is in love with Miss Crabtree and thinks she's even hotter than Bristol Palin, his teammate Phil DeVaj says he's sick of the attention. "All these grown-ups around here are weird. I just got a summer job offer from California State Senator Roy Ashburn and I think I'm gonna take it just to get away from all the priests and teachers. He said it mostly involves cleaning his pool and some light housework. Says he even has a really cool uniform for me - like, leather shorts with my own leash and collar. It's bad-ass!"

Cheerleading captain Susie Floosie says she is tired of the boys getting all the sex. "They are just slutting out for anything that moves! Who's left for teen-age girls? Doesn't anybody want to bang us anymore? There's only, like, old Democrats or other young girls for us and that is so early 2000's--I'm sick of being a fake lesbian!"

A secret summit for creepy clergymen and cougar teachers to discuss the equitable distribution of young men between the two camps fell apart when a proposal to allow hot women to serve as priests was rejected by the pope. Plus a Boy Scout Troop passed by and everyone was distracted.


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